Off to Beat the Nerd
Title cards: "ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com presents" "Off To Beat the Nerd, traveling from Chicago to Philadelphia" Doug: This is minute 1 of going to beat the Angry Video Game Nerd. I am hyped. Are you hyped, brother? Rob gives the thumbs up Doug: We are both hyped. Placecard: Later... Doug: My God...we have been on the road for so. Long. I think I'm going to go batshit crazy in a few seconds, I mean I am going to crack, just looking at all the lines go by and all the signs and all these advertisements for fireworks! It's insane! It's totally insane! I mean, God brother, how long have we been on the road! Rob: Uh...1 hour, 30 minutes. Doug looks skeptical, Rob nods his head, confirming he's both right and telling the truth Doug: ...I'M GONNA DIE! Placecard: 2 Hours Later Doug: You know I'm gonna say the nice thing about this is that, you know, I personally would not be able to get out of Illinois, you know I can't even find my way out of my own house, but my brother here is just so good and resourceful that, you know, he's really good directions and you know, all that stuff so- Rob: Yeah, I'll get us there. Doug: So you know, just special shout-out to him, special thanks cause without him I actually wouldn't be able to get there at all, this is actually really cool Rob: Damn straight. Doug: Damn straight. Placecard: 3 hours later* (*Note: Whenever a placecard says "X Hours Later," it is not that many hours since the last "scene," but from the beginning of the trip; this is confusing, but it becomes apparent part way through the video when the placecards say many hours have passed, but the guys are wearing the same outfits and it is still daytime) Doug: Alright, so we're in Michigan...I don't know how that happened. If you don't believe me take a look, there's a lighthouse. You know, cause only Michigan has lighthouses. And we're gonna try to figure out just how the hell this happened. I'm very angry at my brother. Cut to them driving Doug: So yeah, what the hell are we doing in Michigan? Rob: A slight detour, everything's fine. Just, just great. Doug: Except for the fact that we're in Michigan! Rob: Well, haven't you ever wanted to see the...Lighthouse State? Doug: Is that what this...it's just really known for lighthouses? Rob: I don't, I don't know what...Michigan is known for cherries and, um, yeah, lighthouses. Doug: Lighthouses. This is okay... Placecard: 4 hours later Doug: Alright, we've been on this road for a couple miles, and it's reduced down to one lane, there's all these cones, but there's no construction, there's no nothing, it's just one lane. Look, the same shit's goin' on over there. Rob: Oh it's been more than that, this has been 6 miles now. Doug: 6 miles of no construction, just keeping us in one lane. Rob: It's for the greater good! Doug: I think they're just doing it to piss us off, I think they just got high and like "You know what, we should just reduce it all to one lane, that would be funny, and no reason, everybody will do it, cause they have to!" Oh my God, there it is, actual construction! What are they doing, what are they doing, they're...they're doing nothing, they're doing nothing! What, what is that guy doing, they're just taking up the road! And now we go back to the 2 lane, that was crazy! Those miles and miles of just two trucks bullshit! Rob: Actually, 10 miles to be exact. Doug: 10 miles, just two stinkin' trucks, we've been behind this stupid...thing, and it's been going slow. From Quebec? FUCK QUEBEC! Fuck it! Fuck construction! Rob: I think that's fu-shlay Quebec or something. Doug: Fuck Quebec Prowlers! Placecard: 5 Hours Later Doug: God I'm so bored. (to Rob) Say something, dammit! ...you're supposed to be keeping me in good conversation, just say something! Rob: I'm driving! Doug: Ooh, he's driving, that's all the conversation I get here, he's driving! Whoop-dee-fuckin'-do! You know, why don't you sing a song, let's sing a song. Let's sing a little Gilbert and Sullivan, how 'bout that. We are going to sing The Macado right now, Three Little Maids From School Are We, you start. Rob: Uh...no we're not. Doug: You start. Rob: ...no. Placecard: 6 Hours Later, they are both singing Three Little Maids From School Are We, but part way through, a truck horn goes off and Rob grabs the wheel desperately Placecard: 7 Hours Later, they are both singing the score to the HMS Pinafore. Placecard: 8 Hours Later, They're singing the end of the HMS Pinafore score. Placecard: 9 Hours Later Doug: Well we already sung every song we know, hummed every tune we know, done everything that we can think about doing...it's just so BORING! The road's boring, the trees are boring, (to Rob) you're boring! You are so boring! Do something, say something, GOD, just something! (Rob sighs) Ooh, he gasped! He gasped! No no, sighed, that's even better! Sighed, that's like a gasp, backwards! Ooh, unbefuckinglievable! DO SOMETHING YA FUCKIN' MORON! Placecard: Later...; Rob is walking down the highway, alone, and Doug is following him with the camera Doug: Rob? I'm sorry! (Rob flips him off with both hands) That's not called for! Oh come on Rob, cut a guy a break, I didn't know any better! Oh come on man, I just, I wasn't thinking! Hey, uh, what if I drove the rest of the way? Rob stops and turns around Placecard: 10 Hours Later; Doug is now driving, Rob is filming Doug: There's Cedar Point. The largest roller coasters outside of Disney, Six Flags. Been to Cedar Point lately? Rob: No. Doug: ...would it...kill you to say something? Rob: I did. Doug: "No." That's the first thing I've heard you say in the last 4 hours. That's a FOUNTAIN of conversation, that's a geyser. Whoa, daddy, stand back. ...shit. You know I'm sittin' here drivin', doin' all the drivin', drivin' all the way from Cleveland, tryin' to keep our hopes up, fight the boredom, you can't say one fuckin' thing to start a conversation? Fuck it man, I don't have to talk either. Let's see how you like it. Just total fuckin' silence. Two can play at that game, wise guy. See if you like it. ...total silence. Placecard: 11 Hours Later Doug: If I was to kill you, and bury your body...is there any particular place that you would wanna be buried? You know, like a religious thing, I mean are there any, uh, certain areas that you need to be buried in or shouldn't be buried in, like a Jewish thing or...I don't know. Are you Jewish? Rob: ...we were baptised Roman Catholic. Doug: Does that mean I'm not Jewish? Rob: No... Doug: Good. Placecard: 12 Hours Later Doug: HAHAHA, Pennsylvania, Pennsyl-God this better be FUCKING worth it-vania! HOO! Okay, apparently in Pennsylvania they have some very strange roadsigns. They show the signs as he says them Doug: (mockingly) Don't tailgate! Beware of aggressive drivers! Slow down save a life! Careful, Bridge may be icy. (normal voice) When did Pennsylvania turn into my mother? Quick cut to them on the highway, with white circles on the road Doug: They actually have these spaces so you can keep one car-length behind. It looks like I'm playing Pac-Man. Another cut, they are following a trailer with statues of a horse, an eagle, and a Liberty Bell Doug: Philadelphia's fucked up. Placecard: Nerd Central Doug: I come in, at Digital Press, and say "Have you decided to do-" this'll save us time, this'll save you having to do another video challenging me to do a video game review, it's just me saying like, you know, "Have you decided to do a Nostalgic Movie?" And you say "Yes, I'm gonna do" you know, whatever you choose, and then you say "Now are you gonna do a video game?" I'm like "No I'm not doin' a video game, that's your department!" Just sayin', do you have the Rocky soundtrack, I'm sure you do. James: Yeah. Doug: Okay, let's do "Yeah, bring it on!" And they play the Rocky music, like we get ready to fight and we go, we just have a silly slo-mo fight. You know, like we can even do the sound effects. (he mimics slo-mo sound effects) James: Yeah. Doug: You know, you beat me, and then at the end I say "Alright alright, I'll do a video game. But mark my words, this isn't over, hahahahaha" and then ask like how to get back on the highway or something. Mike Matei: That's how it's gonna be, it'll be like watching Rocky V. James: Yeah, "my ring's outside." Matei: You should say that! Doug: That's what we'll say, "my ring's outside." Matei: Let's do it! Right now, right here! My ring's outside. Clip from the first showdown video, where that line happens James: There's only one thing, it's kind of a side thing but I just think we should really put it in there, at the end, cause he'll be there, is the idea, we'll Captain S in on this too. I don't know exactly what he would be doing, but- Doug: He could be the referee! James: He could be more like, tryin' to be the peace maker. Doug: And we'll punch him. James: Yeah, then it'll be the three of us all fighting there, in the parking lot of Digital Press. Short clip of Doug and James meeting the employees of Digital Press and then slipping back into character James: You're familiar with The Good, The Bad and The Ugly? Doug: Parts of it. James: Yeah, well we all- well I'll put the scene on. He puts on The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly James: Basically your idea would be to mimic that. Rob: You see how it's got the multiple shots? I can literally walk between you guys, cause you can reedit this however you want, yeah I can just train the camera on your eyes, you know on your faces, you can gimme the looks, and I can walk to the next person, the whole time you three are still basically standing in the triangle. James: Okay, alright. Cut to some scenes of the guys in Digital Press after the Showdown, where they are just talking to the fans Doug: (holding up Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for the NES) Rawr. Cut to Castlevania for the NES on one of the shelves, and the camera does a close up on Simon Belmont Doug: He looks like the Nerd! (laughs) They're eating cake Doug: I'm eating his cake! ...I'm trying to eat his cake. Even his cake is defeating me. (he finally gets some) THAT'S good victory. Ending Title Card: Fin Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic